


Bring me to life

by Asterinblackbeek



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Elain - Freeform, Elucien - Freeform, F/M, Lucien - Freeform, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-31
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:21:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23411560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Asterinblackbeek/pseuds/Asterinblackbeek
Summary: Post ACOFAS. Lucien didn't know what to do after war or where to go. He didn't want to stay in night court because he couldn't bear Elain avoiding him.
Relationships: Elain Archeron/Lucien Vanserra, Feyre Archeron/Rhysand
Comments: 7
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> In this fic, I'll just try to justify Elain behaviour towards Lucien in ACOFAS. Because as an Elucien shipper, I really need that :)

After spending a week in mortal land, with Jurian and Vassa, Lucien was on his way back to night court. That was what he had been doing for last few months. He hoped that when he would reach the night court Rhysand would send him somewhere else. Anywhere. Away from night court. Away from his mate. Lucien knew that Rhysand was doing this on purpose, for Lucein's sake. Or Elain's. But he just wanted it to be like that. Because now, it was getting really hard to him to be near her and not touch her. It was even harder for him to see her avoiding him. She couldn't bear his presence and he couldn't bear this fact. So, it was better if he stayed away.

He was at the night court border when he saw a man few paces ahead. Even though the man was facing the other side, Lucien knew from his back who he was. But what was he doing here?

"Oh, finally you're here. I was waiting for you from an hour, brother," Eris said, turning towards Lucien.

"What are you doing here?" Lucien asked, taking a step forward.

"Calm down. I was just missing you," he chuckled, then continued. "No, not really. But look at you. You're looking so.......filthy."

Lucien was indeed in a bad shape. He was covered in dirt from head to toe. But he didn't really cared about his appearance lately.

"Answer the damn question. What are you doing here?" Lucien asked, raising his voice.

"I have come to talk to you," he said calmly and sat down under the shade of tree.

Although it was not hot but the sun was high.

Lucien didn't knew why, but he started sweating. 

"Come, have a seat," Eris said.

"I don't have time for this, Eris," Lucien said and continued walking.

"Time. But you have all the time in the world." Eris said.

This made Lucien stop and turn back. Lucein gave Eris a deadly glare and Eris offered a poisonous smile in return.

"I wonder why Rhysand sends you to different places to convey messages when he can just send them way faster by magic?" Eris's face turned solemn. "You don't have a purpose, Lucien. And I'm here to give you one." 

"And what is that?" Lucien asked. He knew that Eris would never think good about him, but there was no harm in asking. 

"I want the throne of Autumn court," he said, raising his voice. "And for that, father has to die."

"I don't care. I don't care if he dies. And I don't care who sits on the Autumn court throne," Lucien snapped.

Eris smiled. "I know you don't. But for me to become the high lord, father has to die. And you...... will kill him."

Lucien's eyes widened on that but then he let out a brief laugh. How many times had he Imagined killing him. How many times had he plotted. But he knew he would never do that, because he couldn't.

Eris continued, "I wanted to do it by myself. But then I thought it won't be good for my image. And you..... are perfect fit this job." 

Lucien sat down near Eris. "What made you think that I would do that?"

"Oh, yes. Listen my dear...... half brother." Eris's lips twitches into a smirk. "It's not like you have to kill your father. But mine."

Lichen was pale now. Eris was not playing. He wouldn't have wasted times on that. He was serious. "What.... What do you mean?" he managed to ask.

"Hmm....I see. So you don't know." Eris was not even trying to hide his smirk. "You know Beron...... he is not your father."

Lucien's heart was beating so fast he thought he might collapse and die. And at that moment he didn't mind dying. 

"You know, mother was with Helion when she concieved you." Eris was enjoying the view on Lucein's face. He knew Lucien was shocked and under this was anger. Loads and loads of anger. Eris got up, "Beron is not your father. And you know what that means." And with that he was gone.

Lucien knew exactly what that meant. That meant that the man who tortured him in his childhood was not his father. The man who killed his Jesminda was not his father. The man who exiled him was not his father. 

Eris was wrong when he thought Lucien was angry. He had thought Lucien would kill Beron as a revenge for Jesminda. But all Lucien felt was nothing.

Lucien didn't knew how long he sat there under the tree but finally, when the sun was setting, he got up and started walking randomly. He couldn't stop thinking about Jesminda and her family who never forgave him. He wondered if Jesminda had forgiven him. And then, there was Elain. He knew she would never forgive him. He was in so much debt, so much in need of forgiveness that it was overwhelming.

Even after a long time, he was not able to understand why Elain had invited him to live in Velaris. But that doesn't matter now. How could he except others to forgive him when he can't even forgive himself. But he wanted to apologize to Elain, but knew that she would never give him a chance. 

And now after hearing all this, he wanted to go to Jesminda and apologize to her.

Before he could understand what that meant, he was falling from the cliff.

_________________________________________

Elain had spent her entire day in garden, tending flowers. She was tired but happy. As happy as she could be. 

The sun set and now she just wanted to have dinner and then go to bed. But first she had to change her clothes. She went to her room, took a short bath and changed her clothes. But then all of a sudden, she felt something. It was a strange feeling. Something she had never experienced before. And it was getting hard to breath. She opened the door, took a deep breath and started walking to the table. The feeling still there.

Everyone was already at the table when she arrived. She took a seat next to Azreil. She was hungry few moments before but now she just wanted to go back to her room.

"You alright, Elain?" Az asked.

"Yes, I'm just not hungry." She managed a smile.

"What are you thinking?" Feyre asked Rhysand. 

He looked at Elain, who was staring at an empty plate before her, and cleared his throat. "Lucien should have arrived today, but he didn't. I was just wondering why."

Feyre saw Elain shifting at her seat, then looked back at Rhysand. "May be he decided to extend his stay with Jurian and Vassa. They get along pretty well."

"Excuse me," Elain said and left.

"Well, I don't think you should have talked about Lucien in front of her," Feyre said.

"Hmm. I thought I would just tell you through bond but then I thought what if she's wondering the same," said Rhysand.

Feyre let out a long sigh. "I don't think she thinks about him at all."

"Yeah, she looks pretty happy when he's away," Amren offered. "And then she keeps avoiding him when he's here."

Az was silent the whole time.

Elain hadn't left her room from last two days. She hadn't talked about that strange feeling with anyone. She wanted to, but she didn't knew how to put it in words. This restlessness, this strange fear and emptiness. She didn't knew why she was feeling all this. Finally she decided to go back to her routine. Maybe that would help her. She would start with having breakfast with everyone.

"Elain.... How are you feeling?" Feyre asked, at the breakfast.

"Better," she said and took a seat. 

Az was nowhere to be seen. "Where is Azreil?" she asked.

"Oh, he said that his spies had some news, so he left. He said he'll be back before...." before Rhysand could finish, Azreil was there. 

His face was solemn. He scanned the table. His gaze rested on Elain a second longer. Then he turned to Rhysand. "There is a family living near the night court boarder. They have found a body in the near by stream. A male with long red hair, tanned skin and two different eyes." 

"LUCIEN," Feyre shouted. 

Elain was looking at Az, her mouth open in complete terror.

"Is he.... is he..." Feyre couldn't bring herself to finish the sentence.

Az nodded. "He is alive. But in a bad shape. That's what I heard. Rhysand, we need to get him, now." 

Rhysand kissed feyre on temple and left with Az. 

Elain swallowed the lump in her throat and left for her room.

"Elain, are you okay?" Feyre called from behind.

"I'll be fine," she said in a barely audible voice.

Elain felt him when he arrived. She wasn't sure if she wanted to see him or not. She decided to stay in her room.

It was dinner time now. She hadn't ate anything all day and she wasn't hungry. She was lying on her bed, staring at the ceiling when someone knocked. It was Feyre.

"I thought you might be hungry," she passed the food to Elain.

She took it but didn't ate.

Feyre sat at the foot of the bed. "Are you worried......about him?" 

Elain didn't answered.

"He is drifting in and out for now," Feyre said. "But Madja said he'll be alright. It's just his broken ribs that'll take time to heal."

Elain felt a sudden relief and finally started eating.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucien is back in night court, healing. He lies about the fall but somehow Elain knows the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kinda mixed Lucien and Elain's pov. Hope you won't mind.

Finally after two days, Lucien was conscious. He had slowly opened his eyes and found feyre and Rhysand in the room. He was in night court, he realised. Feyre was sitting on the bed next to him.

"Hi," he said.

Feyre smiled. "Hi, how are you feeling?"

"Everything hurts. Especially my ribs," he said.

The door opened and he saw Az and Elain entering. Az came to stand next to Rhysand while Elain just took the corner.

"Well that's because your ribs are broken," Az informed him.

"Who did this?" Rhysand asked.

Lucien closed his eyes. He did it. He jumped from the cliff. 

"No one. I.....I fell from the cliff," he lied. He managed to look at Elain. She was looking suspiciously at him, as if she had sensed the lie. Could she do that? But why would she?

"What do you mean you just fell?" Feyre asked.

"I lost the track and....... then I remember falling." Lucien looked at Feyre and smiled.

"Well then, rest." She took his hand and kissed it.

Then they left. Except for Elain. She came closer to stand next to his bed. It was wonder itself, for Lucein, that she came to see him and now this. She was standing so close to him, her scent filling his lungs.It was foolish but it just made Lucien so happy.

"You jumped," she said.

Lucein's shocked face would have confirmed it if she had any doubt. But then Lucien blinked and it was gone. "I fell," he said, looking anywhere but at her.

"You jumped," she said, again. 

Lucien was holding back all the emotions that had made him do that. "I fell," he said, his words sharp. "I need to rest." 

So Elain left. 

Lucien was healing. Slowly, but he was healing.

After a month lucein was fine. It was just the ribs which hurt every now and then.

But Elain, she was in continuous pain from the day he had lied and told her to leave him alone. Although the words he had used were different but that was what he meant. 

From last week lucein had joined them on table for meals. But he had never looked at her. Not for a single second. And it was driving her mad. She wanted to know why he jumped and she will make him talk. Soon. 

That day at dinner, Lucien was looking very tired. Although he hadn't done anything that would make him tired. Rhysand had forbidden him to do any work.

Lucien placed a hand on his chest.

"Again?" Feyre asked.

"Yeh," he replied.

"Madja said to inform her if it would hurt again," Feyre said, helping Lucien to get to his room.

Madja arrived shortly after Az sent a word. She was examining Lucien by pressing his chest and he was trying hard to suppress his mourn. Meanwhile, Feyre was trying hard not to laugh. Elain was also there, standing in the corner. 

Finally when Madja was done, Lucien said to Feyre, "It's not funny."

"You should have looked at your face."

And then, they both laughed.

"Hmm.... I think it will take more time to heal then I anticipated," Madja said.

"Can't you just heal me with magic?" Lucien asked. 

"I have told you this before. Let nature heal it. You're in no hurry." 

"But I'm in pain."

"You are tired." Madja had sensed the tiredness while examining him. "Aren't you resting enough?"

Lucien folded his hands on his lap and stared at them. "I try to sleep but I get those...... It's just hard to sleep." 

"You get the nightmare?" Feyre asked, looking concerned.

"Yeh, after the fall. I was fine before that. I don't know why I get them now." It was true, except the last part. He knew why he gets those nightmare. Why he see Jesminda dying again and again. Why he see Elain blaming him for everything.

"Can you help with the nightmares?" Feyre asked Madja. 

"I can give you a tonic for dreamless sleep. But first we'll try something else. Now, this doesn't always work. But when it does, it's much better then tonic," Madja said.

"And what is it?" Lucien asked. 

"Lie down on the pillow and close your eyes." 

Lucien obeyed.

"Now think about something that makes you happy." 

Lucien opened his eyes and looked at Feyre.

She shrugged.

"Believe me it works," Madja said. "Though not always. Now close your eyes and think about something that makes you happy."

Lucien closed his eyes again. "Okay Feyre, sing a a lullaby."

"Oh, the fox baby wants to hear a lullaby," Feyre said.

Lucien smiled. And smiled. He was smiling continuously. "I think this is going to work," Lucien said.

Elain wanted to know what he was thinking about. What made him so happy. She waited for Feyre to ask him about it. But she didn't. So she decided to get into his head and see herself. She had done this before but accidentally, when he had lied about falling from the cliff. She was just staring at him and the next moment she was inside his head. She saw him standing at the edge of the cliff. And felt so many emotions that it was hard to tell them apart. But he was sad and lonely. And then he had jumped.

She could do it again. And she did. What she saw shocked her to core. Among all the things she assumed he was thinking, this was not one of them. He was thinking about the time after the battle when she had invited him to live in Velaris. He was thinking about it over and over again. He was told to think about his happiest memory and this was what he had chosen.

She didn't knew about Lucien, but that night she couldn't sleep.

Next day at breakfast, Lucien was looking fresh. 

"So it worked," Feyre said.

Lucien smiled. "Yes, it did."

"I and Feyre are leaving for Autumn court today," Rysand said.

Lucien looked at Feyre, then at Rhysand. After few moments of just staring at them he asked, "Can I come too?" 

"Why do you want to come?" Feyre asked.

"It's just.....there is something I need to do," Lucien answered.

Elain cleared her throat, "Can I come too?"

Everyone turned to her in surprise.

"Yes....yes you can," Feyre said looking at Elain in silent question.

"I just want to see the Autumn court," Elain said. 

"Okay. We are leaving right after breakfast. And we are going to stay for 3 days. So pack accordingly," Rhysand said, looking at Feyre. 

She gave him a vulgar gesture and ate her breakfast.

After breakfast, they winnowed to the Autumn court. They were standing outside Beron's mansion.

"I'm not going in there," Lucien said.

"What? Where will you go then?" asked Feyre.

"I told you I have something to do. So guess I'll be doing that."

"And where will you stay for 3 days?"

"There's an old hut in the nearby woods. I'll manage the food. Not a big deal for me," Lucien said with a wink.

"And what if your ribs hurt again." It was Elain who asked this.

He didn't looked at her. "I'll manage Feyre. See you in three days."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you end this :)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucien did what he had to do in Autumn court. And now he was feeling better.But Elain was restless. She wanted to talk to him. So, they talked about everything they wanted to.

Lucien spent the first day wandering in the Autumn court. It was beautiful. He still remembered the streets. It kinda surprised him. 

After sun down, there was a sudden Autumn chill in the weather. He was told to keep himself warm. Especially chest area. So he went back to the hut. 

The next morning he went to a restaurant and ate his breakfast. He knew what he would do today. He was just a bit scared. He decided to gather his courage and so it after lunch. 

Finally, in the afternoon, he was standing in front of the house. He took a deep breath and knocked. A man opened the door. It was her brother.

"You..... What are you doing here?" He, Jasminda's brother, asked, his face furious. 

"I....I was here and I thought...." Lucien didn't met his eyes. He couldn't bring himself to look into the eyes of the man whose sister dying because of him. He was staring at the floor. 

"You thought you can pay a visit, huh?" he said. 

"I'm sorry...for....for everything. In really am." Lucien looked up at him, a tear rolling down from his real eye.

"Get out," he said and closed the door on Lucien's face. 

He wiped off the tear and kicked the ground. He knew it wasn't a good idea. But he wanted to apologize. He wanted to take the burden down from his heart. Now, he had to apologize to her.

He went to the graveyard and sat down next to her grave and cried. He cried till he had no more tears to shed.

"I'm sorry Jess.....I'm so sorry." 

He told her everything. From his exile till now. He told her about his time in spring court. About Tamlin and Ithane and what she did to him. He told her about Feyre and the war. And about Beron and Helion. He told her about his mate.

"Her name is Elain," he said with a smile. "And she's.... well I don't know. I don't really know her. But she's sweet and beautiful and she loves flowers. She doesn't like me though. I don't mind that, you know. After everything I did.....I deserve this. But I am asking for your forgiveness Jess. Please forgive me."

He had told her things that he could have never told anyone. Everything he had done for survival. Things he was no proud of doing. He hadn't realized when the sun had set. 

He felt relieved now. His heart felt light and it was easy to breath. He took a deep breath and there he felt her. He turned back and saw Elain, her face wet with tears. She was wearing a jacket, his jacket, he realized. 

His tears had dried but his eyes were swallen. He got up and without looking at her, he started walking. He didn't knew how much she had heard. It seemed like she had heard everything. But he hoped she hadn't. All the things he had said. He hadn't felt her before because of all the emotions.

He stopped walking as he realized she wasn't following. 

She took the silent invitation and followed. 

They walked together, side by side. This was new. 

Lucien wrapped his arms around himself for warmth. Seeing this, Elain put the jacket on his shoulders. 

"Thanks," he murmured.

"We are going back tomorrow morning," she said 

He nodded.

In the morning, the next day, Lucien was waiting for them outside the mansion. When they came out, they were accompanied by Lucien's mother. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. The women, who had lied to him about his father.

He needed time. He would talk to her about all that when he would feel better. But now, he if would talk, nothing good would come out of his mouth.

"Son, where were you? Why didn't you come to meet me?" She tried to take his hand in her's but he backed off. 

"Let's go," he said to Feyre. 

"Son," his mother called him again.

"Lucien," Feyre said, looking confused.

"What? Let's just go," he said again.

"Yeh, let's go," Rhysand said and winnowed them back to night court. 

Elain was no longer avoiding Lucien, but they hadn't talked yet. And she wanted to talk to him. It had been a week since the day after graveyard. After everything she had heard, Elain could no longer keep these things to herself.

The next day at dawn, she went to his room. He was awake when she entered, staring at the ceiling.

He instantly got up when he saw her. "Wha.... What are you doing here?"

She came closer to the bed. "I just wanted to ask you something. Can I?" 

He nodded.

"That day when Madja told you to think about something that makes you happy...why.... why did you thought about that?"

"Thought about what?" he asked.

"About that time when I invited you to live in Velaris," she said. 

Lucien was shocked and surprised. "How...how do you know that? And how did you knew that I had jumped?"

"I....I realized later that it was a violation. But the first time.... It was an accident. I was just staring at you and the next moment I was inside your head," she explained. "But now....I want to know why you chose that memory." 

Lucien let out a sigh and smiled. She was inside his head. "Because that is my happy memory. At that time I hoped....." He stopped and shook his head. 

"Hoped for what?" Elain asked.

Lucien's smile vanished as he asked, "Why did you asked me to live in Velaris when you were going to avoid me whole time?"

"Well....I....I knew you had nowhere else to go. I knew Feyre was going to ask you the same, so I did," she said.

Lucien smiled, a sad smile. "So it was just a pity, huh?"

Elain seated herself at the foot of the bed and looked into Lucien's mismatched eyes. "No. It was a friendly invitation."

"Friendly? So you invite people to live with you and then you avoid them?" Lucien asked. 

"Tell me what you hoped for. What made you chose that memory. And I'll... I'll tell you why I was.......being like that," she said.

"I know why. You don't like me. Or I can say you hate me. And you probably like Az. He's a nice male. You look... good together," he said, but even saying those words hurt.

"You know nothing," Elain snapped. "And about Az, yes, he's a nice male. And he's my friend. Just a friend."

That was the longest conversation they had ever had. Although the conversation was not really nice but Lucien was enjoying it. He had no intention of ending this. "I hoped...I hoped that you will forgive me. And Nesta. And Rysand. I wanted everyone to forgive me. I wanted to start over. I hoped to fall in love again. I hoped to be loved again. I hoped for a better future. For myself though," he smiled at the last part. "And at that moment everything seemed possible. It is, for sure, the best memory I have." 

She didn't knew what to say. She knew she had crushed some of this dreams. His hopes. And there he was, smiling at her. "I.....I heard everything, that day on the graveyard," she admitted. 

"I guessed that," he said still smiling at her. He didn't felt embarrassed that she knew.

"I was afraid. I....I didn't wanted to accept that."

"Afraid of what?" Lucein asked.

"Afraid of what I had started to feel after you came to live in here. I was thinking about you all the time. And I wanted to see you, be near you, touch you. And that was driving me crazy. I thought it was because of that......that thing." She didn't wanted to say mating bond and she didn't had to. 

Lucien understood. 

"So I kept avoiding you. I thought it would help. But that feeling......that kept growing. And I didn't wanted to accept it. Not so soon after Grysen. I felt like I was betraying my human self.  
And then you started going out of night court. And it helped. I didn't needed to wake up early so I could see you and make myself feel stupid.  
Feyre had told me that love and that.....thing were two different things. So I thought it was just a...... temptation because of that." Her mouth was dry now.

Lucien was listening. Every single word she spoke, he understood it. 

After a long pause, she continued. "Then something happened that made me stay as far away from you as I could."

"What happened?" Lucien asked.

"I had a vision. It was blurred. I never had a blurred vision before. It was me, in the garden and then you... You called me. You called me 'dove'. And then I smiled at you and you pulled me closer and... then you kissed me. And I looked so... happy. Then I went back to water the flowers and you wrapped your arms around my waist and started kissing my neck.  
And all this... it scared me to death. I told Az about this. I told him that the vision was blur. He said it's because it might happen. And might not. This future...it was not certain. So I stayed away from you. To change that future. But now...I don't know. I seems like a childish thing to do." There were tears in her eyes that she was trying to hold back. She needed water to wet her dry throat. She took the glass of water from the table next to bed and drank.

"Well...I admit you had a good reason to avoid me," Lucien said. He tried to smile but failed. "So, was it just a temptation?" 

"I don't know," she said after a pause.

"Do you think she will forgive me?" 

She knew who he was talking about.

"I think so. After everything you have been through..."

He laughed. "No. It's after everything I have done." 

Elain shook his head, her eyes never leaving his. "No, it's after everything you have been through, anyone would forgive you."

"Do you forgive me?" he asked, hopefully.

"I realize that everything that happens to me, it was not your fault. And don't tell me it was, because I have thought about it a lot."

He smiled. It had been so long since he had smiled genuinely.

It was over. They had talked about everything they had to. There was nothing more to say. And yet there was so much more to say. 

Elain got up to leave but then Lucien said, "Your vision...... do you want it to be true?"

Elain chewed her bottom lip. "Do you?"

"Only if you want it," he replied.

Without answering, she turned to leave but then she paused and turned back. "Can I...can I have the jacket back?" 

Lucien had thought that she might answer, but this was even better. He smiled, "Yes, of course. It's in there." He pointed at the wardrobe.

She took the jacket from there and walked to the door. Then she stopped again and turned back. "I want to be happy, Lucien. As happy as I was in that vision." She gave him a smile that warmed his heart, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys enjoys it :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoy it. Kudos and comment would be appreciated :)


End file.
